by Simon McGillicutty, President, Optimists International

Ohhhhh, it’s a hap hap happy daaaaaaaay todayyyyyy! Oh yes! Yes! Yes! I feel so gooood today! I want to tell you! I feel like I’m walking on air. Sunshine, even! Oh boy, I can’t wait to play in the sunshine! I feel like I’m love! In love with Life! In love with you! Why, I love you! And you! And you, too! Oh it is such a joy to be alive!

I feel like I could walk on hot coals. The burning hot coals of your love. Oh, your love, your love! I can feel the flames of your love, burning in my heart, oh my heart! Life is a beautiful flower! I love the feel and the beauty of the sunlight cascading down on me in glorious splendor! It’s the truth! It’s actual! Everything is satisfactual! Oh it’s such a joy to wake up knowing that today is the best day of my life, and that tomorrow will be even better!

The smell of the rain. The golden rays of sunlight! Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder! The squirrels frolicking in the grass. The butterflies! The beautiful forest, the brook that runs through my back yard. It’s all so mind-alteringly gorgeous. The love I feel, oh the love, as I sing to all of the animals in my back yard. They love to gather around to swim in the rhythms of wonderment and enchantment.

I love to sit by the fireplace in the morning eating my oats with blueberries. Yummy! And driving to work is such a blast! I mean, so many wonderful drivers on the road! And I get to work and there’s sooooo many nice co-workers! You’re beautiful! You’re beautiful! And you, wayyyy over there! You’re beautiful too!

The whoooooolle world is beautiful. Today is such a great day! And tomorrow will be even better!

by Mergatrod, Director of Operations, 12th Circle, Hell

Look, kid, we need to talk. Ever since you arrived here you have been one colossal pain in the ass. You hear me? You walk around with this shit-eating grin on your face. You can’t do that here. This is Hell, son, you gotta part to play here, everyone does. So I cannot for the life of me understand you. You and your disgusting optimism are downright creepy. What in Hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you just writhe in agony and pain like every other Lost Soul down here?

What is it, son? What am I doing wrong? Is it me? Or is it something you’re just not getting?Those hot coals you’re walking on are the actual hot coals of Hell. Same with the flames. They’re not “flames of love,” they’re actual flames! Get it? That’s not the sun you’re seeing, it’s an actual blast furnace, and you’re in it. And those “pin pricks” are not goose bumps or some Care Bear shit. That’s a bunch of demons stabbing you with pitch forks! You hear me? And that rain is acid rain. And that’s not oatmeal and blueberries you’re eating. That’s maggots covered in sewage. What’s wrong with you?

We created 3 new circles of hell, each one worst than the last, just for you, to no avail. We pulled out all the stops and you made short work of all of them. We piled on torture, despair, hopelessness, pain, depression, anxiety, hate, sorrow, terror, fiery furnaces, horrifying creatures, surreal scenarios guaranteed to drive you insane—we even chopped off your head and ripped out your guts a hundred times. Nothing. You just popped out with another head and grew your guts back. And we showed the most horrifying visions and there you are, singing Disney songs to gathering forest animals.

You are truly one fucked up kid. And if I hear you singing “Zipitty Doo Da Zippity Yay” one more time, I think I’ll scream.

Now look, Boss Man is dropping by today for a performance review. That’s right, Beelzubub himself. And I have a feeling you are going to be the main topic of conversation. So do me a favor, will ya? When my boss walks by could you at least pretend to be in pain? Yell, scream, try gouging your eyes out, anything? Cos’ there’s these rumors going around that I’ve lost my touch, that I’m getting all cutesy and soft, like I’m Barney the Dinosaur of the Underworld. Hey, I have a reputation to uphold! All I need is for Satan to show up today and you’re over there in the corner singing “The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music” again and the next thing I know my ass is shipped back to Paducah, trying to sell insurance to a bunch of goddamn ignorant hillbillies. Now, that’s Hell. God, I mean Satan, I hate that place.

So help me out, kid. Act like your in horrifying terror. This is Hell after all.