by CingusLycron IV, Supreme Emperor of the Galaxy

Behold Earthlings! Prepare for destruction, as I, CingusLycron, Supreme Emperor of the Galaxy, have decreed that you and your planet shall soon suffer the ultimate destruction.

A fair recounting is in order of the factors that have led to this decision. I looked forward to the experience of traveling to your planet in order to take a long-needed respite from my duties. I had heard how delightful the Planet Earth was, how the Earthlings were skilled in the arts and entertainment. But I was disappointed to learn how intolerant you Earthlings really are toward the Technologically Differently Abled! And like a fool I believed in the legends about how accepting your species is. Planet Earth is a paradise, they said! Exhilarating! A place of equality and sophistication and creativity!

I traveled here expecting to find tolerance and peace and brotherhood. But instead of acceptance I found rejection! I was insulted, cast out for my appearance, for my superior knowledge! Insufferable!

Your media programming and films all depict the technologically advanced as heroic, legendary in stature. Your Captain Kirk, your Piccard, or your Ripley from Alien, all are regarded as super heroes! But now we see behind the curtain, and find that it is all a sham! Upon re-examining your ways, your habits, and customs, I now find them deplorable! Your hypocrisy infuriates me! You regard us as puppets on a string! As if we, the intellectually superior beings among you, are slated to be exhibits in some sideshow! All to fill the coffers of your industry magnates! Oh, you task me. Ooooh you task me!

So in light of your insult, your destruction is therefore decreed. Therefore, I, CingusLycron, Supreme Emperor of the Galaxy, shall return to base to assemble our Forces and return very soon to destroy Planet Earth and enslave its People. Nothing shall stand in my way! Prepare for destruction, Earthlings! So it is written. So it shall be done!

by Guido Buttafugio, Nightclub Owner, Manhattan

Hey douchebag, I thought I warned you guys about coming into my nightclub. Just last week a bunch of you showed up in your little pajama party costumes and shit. And I kicked your asses out. And now, you're back again. What, getting thrown out on the sidewalk didn't do the trick? You couldn't wait for Halloween? You hard of hearing? So here it is, Mr. Hearing Impaired; stay the fuck outta my nightclub, you fucking aluminum foil-wearing freak, or I will have you arrested for trespassing.

Now I told you Dungeons & Dragons-playing retards about coming in here, bothering our female clientele with your fucking magic tricks, and your light sabres and "hey wanna see my glowing finger? Just like ET." Get it through your head: our ladies are not interested in your glowing finger. And if I see you come in here one more time I will shove that light saber right up your ass.

You didn't get past the velvet rope cos' you're not properly dressed for the Club. I don't know how you managed to sneak in anyway, whether you bribed one of our doormen, or used some Jedi-mind trick, but I will find out.

Now, I run a respectable establishment. I got several high-profile clients. We have clients from Wall Street who are very respected. There are men of character, established business leaders from Atlantic City as well as others who are well known in the community, such as our clients from the Bronx, who bring in a lot of business, and a lot of classy ladies. These individuals are high-class, see, they dress in Armani and Italian leather shoes, Rolexes, are you getting my drift here? They do not take well to interlopers who dress like they just stepped off the set of fucking Battlestar Galactica.

So as you can see, we do not accommodate you simpleminded Ren Faire fuckers who seek to tarnish our image with your little stories of "time travel" or how you plan to achieve "galactic domination." Save that shit for the comedy club. There's one down the street. Better yet, go back to whatever circus side show you escaped from. And if ever see you in here again I will not be so kind, okay, cupcake? Now get the fuck out of here.