The Monster Under Your Bed Would Like A Word

Hello, it’s me, the Monster Under The Bed. It’s time we had a talk about something that’s been bothering me for awhile. You see, I’m really getting tired of how some of you out there talk about me, especially you kids. I mean, you act like I’m Satan or something. You kids whine about how you’re too scared to get out of bed and go to the bathroom because there’s a monster under my bed and he’s gonna get me!

Please, how can you be that way? That’s so unfair! Have you ever even seen me before? I mean, I have feelings too! I’m just looking for love. Just like you.

You know, I think of all the other characters who visit your house throughout the year; there’s Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, various poltergeists, ghosts and goblins, and often during the year we all meet up, have a drink and a laugh, and discuss business. And you know what? All I hear is how happy some kid was over the new gleaming motorbike under the Christmas tree, or how little Mary was ecstatic by the brand new doll she unwrapped. Or the joy on some kid’s face after finding the hidden Easter egg, or getting a quarter for their tooth. Then, like clockwork, the attention turns to me and the ribbing starts. All I ever get is how I’m gonna eat little kids.

I’m not a bad guy! I swear! And no, I’ve never eaten anyone! Okay, there was this one really chubby, succulent kid in Des Moines named Billy, and I was soooo famished, and he was kind of a jerk anyway, peeing in his mattress and then it dripped on my head, but that was the only time!

My therapist says I should try talking to you, get to know you, that maybe we could arrive at an understanding or something. Maybe she’s right. Okay, how about this? Why don’t you try leaving under the bed a plate of cookies and a glass of milk? Now that would be soooo appreciated. I do get hungry late at night. We could build bridges just by you doing that! And I could teach you things! How to growl, and scare your friends. Look! I’m the monster from under your bed! Growl! It would be so much fun! Think about. Let’s break bread. Be pals. I’ll look forward to a new way of living and loving. A new world of light and joy. See ya, pal.