RFK Jr.’s Brain Worm Holds Press Conference

WASHINGTON—The worm inside the brain of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. held a press conference at the White House on Friday to clarify the secretary’s vision for moving forward during the Administration's term. The worm appeared after Secretary Kennedy marched to the podium in zombie-like fashion and placed his head on its side on the podium, upon which the worm emerged from Kennedy’s ear. While Kennedy remained motionless on the podium, softly moaning, the worm took to the microphone.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” said the worm, who was wearing a bow tie and horm-rimmed glasses, and spoke in a deep New York City accent. “Today is a day for revelations, for listening, not speaking. For today I reveal the destiny of millions, a prophecy for the ages. Introductions are in order, for I am Dr. Buckminster Horwich Moriarty. In the realms I travel, neuroscience, artificial intelligence and technology are friends. But my background is, uh, unimportant. The less you know, the better. Instead, shall we focus on one pertinent question? And that question is: just what is our vision? The vision that Secretary Kennedy holds dear for this department? For this nation? For the great Secretary and I are always of the same mindset. You might say I am his mind.”

Looking high into the sky as if gazing into the heavens, the worm went on. “Let us be clear,” Moriarty said. “A new regime is in order. Today it begins. So what shall be our destiny? Greatness, I say. When the wheat is separated from the chaff, we achieve glory. Isn’t that so, Bobbykins? Hmmmm?” Here, Secretary Kennedy moaned louder. Then, moving back and forth across the top of the podium, the worm continued, alternately staring downward and occasionally looking skyward again. “The time has come, for a new order. And Mr. Kennedy is to lead the charge. So put away these silly ideas of vaccines. Put away these childish notions of healthcare. True health begins when one cleanses their very source in the great life-giving waters of the Ganges, where the women wash clothes next to where the animals have shat. It lives in the very cholera-infested sewage waters in which Secretary Kennedy bathes. Freedom belongs to those willing to risk the very fires of Hades. For who are we if not courageous? Is there balm in Gilead? Do the stars go on forever? Shall we not cleanse lightness with the dark? Mr. Kennedy is among the courageous.” The worm named Dr. Moriarty began hugging Kennedy’s head, who remained wide-eyed and drooling on the podium.

“But all of you. Look, on the table, see the papers lying there. Those are your instructions for moving forward in the New Order. Take them. Follow the instructions explicitly. Soon you will meet my brother, Dr. Percival Algernon Moriarty, who lives in the president’s brain. Until then be sure to bathe in your local sewer. Drink the water from your toilet. Remember, germs and bacteria are your friends. Soon I will return with further instructions.” With that the worm disappeared into Secretary Kennedy’s ear and the Secretary rose and strode away, again in zombie-like fashion.