Nation’s Wealthiest Make Plea For Emergency Financial Assistance

NEW YORK—Speaking on behalf of billionaires nationwide, industrial magnate and billionaire Langston Higgenbotham made a plea Thursday for emergency assistance to Congress on behalf of the nation’s wealthiest, citing increasing expenses and flagging income.

“The poor and middle classes are trying to destroy us!” Higgenbotham said at a press conference outside the New York Stock Exchange. “Really, with their insistence on instituting single-payer health care instead of letting us decide who lives and dies based on their income, their insistence on rebuilding the infrastructure, or standing up for a fair, living wage and sensible work hours instead of the double shifts and slave wages we currently pay them, this situation is simply intolerable! Intolerable, I say!”

Asked what triggered the requests from the nation’s elite, Higgentbotham responded “what, with the increase in caviar and champagne prices due to higher taxes, hell, even yachts are more expensive! This year alone I only purchased ten super-yachts instead of my usual fifteen! Egads!

Higgenbotham went on to blame the poor and middle class workers even further. “The workers are so ungrateful! When I was young I would have been ecstatic to receive $7.25 an hour, even for a day, for my labors! Such a fortune! Huzzah! But today these selfish poor are just draining us. And we are all so stressed over these developments, that vacations on the French Riviera have been reduced from six per year to only five! So please, members of Congress, we implore you, come to our aid!

“Please, we beg of you, we say to the government,” Higgenbotham went on, “help us secure even greater relief on our already over-burdensome tax responsibilities. We just simply cannot go on any longer without relief from the onslaught. We, the ultra-wealthy, we appeal to Congress for financial backing in the form of emergency disaster aid, even greater tax cuts.”

House Speaker Mike Johnson spoke soon after Higgenbotham’s statement, saying “we must do all we can to alleviate the suffering of our nation’s wealthiest, brought to us at the hands of our dastardly poor and middle class. I pledge to our nation’s top elite that the House will consider appropriate legislation immediately.

Higgenbotham was later admitted to the hospital after experiencing a stroke upon hearing that workers in one of his largest companies, Higgenbotham Manufacturing, had organized a union.