Man Realizes Dream Of Opening Squalid Convenience Store

POSSUM CORNER, OK—In celebration of his life’s dream, local entrepreneur John Loew presided over the grand opening of the Stardust Mart on Thursday.

“Like my pa and grandpa before me, I am now the proud owner of my very own convenience store, the Stardust. It’s one of kind,” said Leow. “It was formerly a gleaming WaWa, but I bought them out, made the necessary improvements to it, then turned it into the awesome neighborhood mart it is now. WaWa is okay, I guess, in their own way. But this is how a convenience store should be run!” he exclaimed proudly, pointing out the single light bulb that barely illuminated the otherwise darkened interior. “That was from my grandpa’s store,” he explained. “I’m all about forging ahead, embracing the new, the emergent! Unlike those curmudgeons stuck in their ways, I have no fear of change. Full speed ahead! Reach for the stars, I say!”

Leow went on, “originally, there were multiple sets of double doors, but I solved that little problem by welding the doors shut. So now, there’s only that one set of double doors, and I welded one of the double doors shut on that one too, then placed the appropriate racks and such in front of it,” he said, gesturing to the pile of trash as high as the door and roughly ten feet long in front of the closed door, teaming with flies and maggots. Also featured in the new convenience store were piles of trash strewn about, with dozens of rats and roaches congregating near several pools of unidentified substances on the floor. The store also contained a stench reminiscent of an uncleaned gym locker combined with the sickly-sweet odor of incense.

“Yeah, I haven’t showered for about three weeks now, in order to achieve the proper balance of odoriferousness required to create a neighborhood mart olfactory profile. Oh, don’t mind the extension cords on the floor running across the front door, that’s normal,” Leow went on as he placed miniature rubber duckies around the front counter. “Bosco, stop that!” Leow exclaimed to the mongrel mutt defecating in the corner. “Heh heh heh, never mind him, he does that sometimes.”

“And I’m proud to announce each of our bathrooms contains a bidet. For good hygiene, of course,” Leow continued. “Now, I’ll just place of few of these weeks-old moldy open food containers in strategic locations around the store and we will be open for business!” At press time Leow was seen in a darkened corner behind the counter gazing into his smart phone while masturbating.