Jennifer Aniston Kills Angelina Jolie In New York Restaurant

NEW YORK—In a scene straight out of the grindhouse genre, enraged actress Jennifer Aniston barged into New York's swank Pasha Restaurant early Friday evening and, brandishing a samurai sword, cut off superstar Angelina Jolie's head.

According to witnesses, Aniston raced into the restaurant wearing a leather ensemble that included black stiletto boots, stopped at the door, looked at Jolie and shouted "you're mine, bitch!" She then produced a sword and proceeded to jump across several tables to the petrified Jolie where she performed the act.

At a news conference following the killing, Aniston characterized the event.

"Little Girl, Interrupted," said Aniston, wiping blood from her blade. "Heh heh heh."

"Listen to me now!" Aniston then shrieked, pointing her sword at the crowd. "This scourge has ended! Our long national nightmare is over!" She then hurled Jolie's head into the throng and bellowed in triumph to the cheers of the patrons.

Actor Brad Pitt, Aniston's former husband and Jolie's current domestic partner (at least until Friday), was present at the slaughter, which he witnessed while returning from the restroom.

"Um, we'll all miss Angelina of course. She's in our prayers. But I gotta say, um, this is a whole new side to Jennifer. I've never seen her so . . . hot. What, with that . . . outfit . . . and the way she . . . began eating Angelina's brains . . . um, excuse me, I have to use the bathroom again."

When asked if the killing was an attempt to win back Pitt's affections, Aniston responded "who? Oh, you mean that skinny little freak who did Burn After Reading? Ha ha ha ha ha! It is dirt beneath my leatherclad spiked heels. I shall crush the simpleton! Bow before me now, mooncalf!" Pitt then began writhing on the floor, drooling profusely.

Several celebrities dining at the restaurant at the time of the incident expressed their shock. "It was horrifying, absolutely horrifying," said filmmaker Quentin Tarantino. "The way Angelina's head plopped off her neck and landed smack on a plate of fettucini was totally Hitchcockian, it was orgasmic," he said. "And when Jennifer stuck Angelina’s head on the end of her sword and began parading around the restaurant singing 'ding dong, the bitch is dead!', I knew immediately I'd found the right actress for my next film, Intestines of Speed. Who needs Uma?"

“Yes,” Tarantino continued, “this insures Aniston's place as the new Queen of Action Cinema. We're prepared to offer her a contract immediately."

"Not so fast," interrupted Producer Steven Spielberg, muscling his way to the podium. “We've just signed Jennifer Aniston to a five-picture deal," he said, waving a contract.

"Cockblocker!" retorted Tarantino, who then grabbed Jolie's severed head and began to beat Spielberg savagely.

Other celebrities on hand also put a positive spin on the horrifying episode.

"About damn time," said comedian Chris Rock. "I was wondering when Jennifer was gonna release all that pent up hostility. She just kept all that shit bottled up in her till her eyes was popping out, takin' on weird ass roles, gettin' all uptight. I was worried about the poor girl. She finally found the right therapy, though. Apparently, leather and swords is her thing!"

National Enquirer Editor David Perel fell to his knees in the restaurant after the incident to give thanks. "Truly, I am blessed. I'm set for life! This is way better than OJ!"

Some experts predicted Aniston's actions would have a far-reaching social and economic impact. Fashion designer Regino DeBerge', also on scene, applauded Aniston as a trail-blazer ushering in a new era of fashion consciousness. "Fabulous, simply fabulous!" he said. "The raccoon eyes! The sword! The genius loci of her sangfroid! Jennifer's leather visage concocted a groundbreaking articulation of womanly power in a gripping homage to Kate Beckinsale's Underworld vamp, amalgamated with a retro nod to Linda Hamilton's Terminator 2 coordinates. Revolutionary!"

In an unusual display of actual emotion, fashionista and robotics industry representative Tyra Banks was reduced to tears. "I was sitting near the door and in walked Jennifer, she was glaring, wearing this leather outfit, gripping a gleaming sword. Oh . . . oh!"

Quickly regaining her famous composure, Banks suddenly lit up. "Then she attacked Angelina and I thought, what an outrageously creative way to introduce your new look! It was so . . . beautiful," she panted. "I'm so honored to be here to witness this woman of incredible power. It's official: Jennifer is my new BFF!"