If The Jeffrey Dahmer Murders Went Down Like the Trump-Epstein Files

[a knock on the door]

POLICE: Mr. Dahmer?

JEFFREY DAHMER: Yes.

POLICE: We’d like to talk to you about the Jeffery Dahmer Murders.

DAHMER: Again? You guys just don’t give up, do you?

POLICE: It’s just that you promised a few months ago to release all the case files on the series of murders called The Jeffrey Dahmer Murders, aka The Murders That Were Committed By Jeffrey Dahmer. We were wondering if there had been any progress made on that front.

DAHMER: What? You guys are still talking about that? You know the guy who they caught for that, whatshisname, Joe Blow, and his wife Ghislane Blow? Mr. Blow is deceased, and his wife is in prison. The case is resolved. What’s the problem?

POLICE: Well, sir, it’s just that since you happened to have several severed heads of the victims in your freezer, we thought you might be able to provide some insight into who Mr. Blow’s accomplices were.

DAHMER: I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about it.

POLICE: But sir! Please! We implore you! You said back in February that you had everything about Mr. Blow’s operation in a file, sitting on a desk. In that room over there.

DAHMER: I think you’re referring to my secretary, Jan Blondie.

POLICE: Yes, that would be accurate.

DAHMER: Well, I don’t know anything about it.

THE PUBLIC: Hey Dumbasses, he’s the accomplice, this Dahmer guy, don’t you get it?

POLICE: Oh yeah? You got any proof of that?

THE PUBLIC: Are you fucking insane? The guy has the victims severed heads in his freezer! Fucking duh!

DAHMER: [rolling his eyes] You know how those Liberals are . . . .

THE PUBLIC: And this Dahmer freak is seen on video with Joe Blow, chopping people up with an ax! And then eating their brains! And he talks all the time on camera about chopping people up with an ax! What’s wrong with you!!

POLICE: Typical liberals! Evil liberals! Satanic liberals! EEEEK!

DAHMER: Fake news! Fake news! It’s all made up by the left!

THE PUBLIC: Oh Dear God, you people are so fucking stupid . . . .

DAHMER: I’ll call my Secretary of Health, he’ll tell you how deranged the left is.

THE PUBLIC: you mean the guy who swims in untreated sewage? The guy with worms in his brain?

DAHMER: He believes in health! He’ll put you Godless Liberals in your place! You-you-you . . . liberals, who are so SOFT ON CRIME!

POLICE: EVIL LIBERALS! EEEEK!

THE PUBLIC: Dear God, we are so fucked.